That was the starting point for our recent event, How Do You Like It? conversation at Design
Collective.
Using Everystory’s Pleasure Reading List as our starting point, we explored something that can feel surprisingly complicated: how do women actually learn what they want?
We began with the screening of Téa Kahata by Yashodara Kariyawasam. This film was a
fantastic starting point for our conversation as it highlighted a lot of the issues that were brought
up in conversation, such as masturbation, communication with partners, and female friendship.
We were also excited to have Yashodara with us to share a few words on the film and the
reasoning behind her making it.
After the screening, we branched off into smaller groups that were facilitated by the Everystory
team. We started with the idea of the “good woman”. Long before most of us have our first
sexual experience, we’ve already absorbed plenty of messages about respectability, femininity,
modesty, marriage, appearance, and what women are — and aren’t — supposed to want. The
conversation opened up questions about South Asian expectations in particular, and the ways
these ideas can shape our relationship with desire.
Then came the question: Who taught you about sex?
The answers, as you might imagine, rarely involved a comprehensive school textbook. Instead,
there were friends, films, books, partners, the internet, social media and pop culture — from Sex
and the City to Lust Stories. These sources can be entertaining, liberating and wildly misleading,
sometimes all at once.
One thing became clear: female friendships can be an informal education in themselves. The
things women tell each other — in bedrooms, bathrooms, group chats and over late-night drinks
— can fill in the gaps left by more official conversations.
But knowing about sex isn’t necessarily the same as knowing what you like.
We talked about the process of figuring that out: paying attention to your body, curiosity,
experimentation, fantasy, communication and, importantly, permitting yourself to change your
mind. We asked why saying “I like this” can sometimes feel harder than becoming an expert at
figuring out what someone else likes.
We talked about what gets left out when orgasm becomes the destination rather than pleasure
being the point, and what the “orgasm gap” tells us about whose experiences have historically
been prioritised.
We also questioned the idea that there is a single “right” way to have sex. Queer approaches,
kink, different bodies and different forms of intimacy all challenge the assumption that sex has to
follow one particular script.
Perhaps the biggest takeaway wasn’t an answer to “How do you like it?” at all.
It was the value of having the space to ask the question.
To be curious without judgement. To say yes, no, maybe — or actually, not anymore. To listen to
other people’s experiences without making them our own. And to recognise that pleasure isn’t
something we should have to perform correctly.
We ended with two questions:
What is one thing you wish someone had taught you about pleasure?
And:
What is one thing you’ve begun to question?
Maybe that’s where the conversation really begins.